Thursday, December 15, 2011

Unable to move

It's been a while since I've really felt like posting. Monday was one of the hardest days of this deployment so far. I mean, I really felt the breaking point. I really felt myself brushing the border of sanity. It was not comfortable. It was not fun. Sunday night I received an e-mail from the FRO explaining that some marines from Jordan's unit were going to be able to go home for Christmas. And I notice on my friend Tiffany's facebook, that her husband is one of those marines. And being the fool that I was, I allowed myself to hope. My mind was telling me that someone has to stay in Afghanistan, but my heart was telling me that he was coming home. Of course on Monday, I find out from Jordan himself that the marines who were useful, were staying and I knew that Jordan was useful. My heart plummeted. I really had no idea how to react. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I just went numb.

And that would have been okay. If I had stayed numb. But I didn't. First I felt a lot of anger. I was angry at the FRO for sending that e-mail. I was angry at Jordan because I thought that he could have done something to come home early. I was angry at myself to allowing hope. I learned a long time ago, that it is a very dangerous thing for marine wives to hope.

Now, I'm okay. I've thought about the situation and I've let myself relax. This is the Marine Corps. Things like this happen all the time. It's better for me to just go with it instead of let it bother me. Jordan is a marine. Even if he did get the opportunity to go home early, he wouldn't have taken it. His duty is in Afghanistan and he'll go home when they're ready for him to go home. I need to understand that.

This is me, moving on. One step at a time.

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