There are about three weeks left until Jordan leaves me again.

I feel lost right now. I mean, I feel like I'm trying so hard to keep it together, that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have to savor every touch, every kiss and every moment. I'm terrified that we're not going to get all that we need or want to get done before he leaves, or that we're going to wake up and find that he's leaving tomorrow. I feel scared of being alone because I hate it so much. I want to be with him. I want to go with him or keep him beside me, but I know that I have to let him go.

I hate the feeling of his hand sliding out of my hand before he leaves me. I hate the feeling of the last hug and him having to pry himself out of my arms because I can't let go. I hate the feeling I get as soon as he leaves my sight. As soon as I can't see him, it's like the drop off of a roller coaster.

All of a sudden your stomach is in your feet and you can't breathe. That's the worst part, it's the absolute worst of all the sadness. It's only the worst because it the beginning and it doesn't get better for a long long time.