Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
I feel like my marriage is crumbling around me. Jordan and I have been fighting for nearly a month now. I am trying to hold myself together. I'm trying to hold us together. I keep thinking about the times when we were happy. I think about when we were first married when he came home from Afghanistan, when we were together and that was all we needed. Those times make me smile. It's hard to smile when I think about how we are now. He's angry and frustrated. I'm angry and frustrated. Both of us want to give up, but we can't. He says he loves me. He says he cares about me, but I don't believe him. His actions tell me more than his words do. His actions hurt me while his words comfort me. I feel hopeless. I don't know what to to.
Were we too young? Is that what this is all about? We are growing up apart from each other and making choices and decisions without each other, we don't know each other anymore. I don't know what to think. I knew that it was going to be hard when I married him. I knew that we were going to have rough years. I knew that as with all marriages, we were not going to be perfect. Even though I knew it, I didn't prepare myself for it. I didn't plan on it. I didn't want to think about it. Well here it is, we're on the verge of divorce. For the first time in our relationship, I'm doubting my love for him. I'm doubting that love is going to bring us through on this.
I want to go home. I want my parents. I want my brother. I want my family. But I don't want to leave here. Leaving would be symbolic of me giving up, even though it isn't giving up yet, it's a step closer. Leaving would be me admitting that I can't handle it. Leaving would mean that I made a mistake with him. I can't leave. Plus, I would be leaving the closest friends I have ever had in my life. I have never had this kind of support before. I have never had friends that would drop everything and anything for me. I don't deserve them, but their support through this has been phenominal. I need them.
God, I'm so depressed. I shouldn't have cancelled that appointment with the psyciatrist. I should have gone. I need help.
Pick yourself up and go see that pysch. Hang in there. I know it's hard- actually I don't know how hard it is for you since I don't walk in your shoes- I wish I could walk a mile and understand what you go through better.
ReplyDeleteAs for making decisions/getting to know each other again, maybe make a compromise with Jordan that any big decision/spending money you guys have to agree on. I think first thing when he gets back is you two go on a date and get to know each other all over again (and hopefully find the love you still have for each other). Looking back, I don't think it was that you two were still so young (back in older days before we were born people married at your age or younger). Marriage takes a lot of work and you know that so you don't need me to tell you that much. I hope you two can work together through this and stay together thru all this. I love you sis!