I'll be fine

Three weeks from today is the day that Jordan will probably be deploying. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I'm terrified I guess, but I have to be strong, so I will be. I've been sort of convincing myself that May 3 is far away, but looking at a calendar, it really isn't.

I felt like I was dying last year. I felt like my soul was literally being ripped out of my body. I curled into a ball and just let the sobs take over. If I didn't cry, the pain would eat me up inside. I'm scared of what is coming. I'm scared of feeling that again. I'm scared of being alone, completely alone here. I'm scared that he's going to get hurt. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt. I'm scared I'm going to go crazy. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough. I see women around me handling deployments all the time, but they all look so much stronger than me. They all look so put together and they don't look broken. Well I feel broken when he's gone. I feel weak and fragile when he leaves.

On a more positive note, because this is his/our second deployment, I know what to expect. I know that I will be okay, as opposed to last year, when people kept telling me I would be, and me not believing them. I know that in four months or so, everything will seem at least semi-normal. I will be fine. I know I will be, because I was fine last year. My theme for this deployment is,

"I'll be fine"

(Last years was "Keep breathing" if you don't remember)