Green Again

My cousin is pregnant.


I am elated. She is going to be a wonderful mother. I'm so happy for her because she has just moved out to Pendleton and she's starting her family and her new life. I'm so happy. I'm just jealous as sin.

Jordan doesn't want a baby yet. He says that we're too young and he doesn't want to feel trapped in the marine corps. and he doesn't want that financial burden yet, and he just doesn't want a child. I think he also feels that he's not ready to be a father, which is significantly disappointing for me because I long so dearly to be a mother. Jo isn't my only best friend who is pregnant. Out of the two women in my life whom I consider dear enough to be my sisters, both of them are expecting. I feel left out. I feel sad and jealous and just really left out. It's not like I could get pregnant anyway, you know? Jordan's gone, but I still wonder if that's not the only reason. I'm scared that there's something "Off" "down there". I'm scared that I'm malfunctioned or damaged or something. What if I am? What happens when Jordan actually wants to have a child and I can't give that to him? I would feel like a broken toy. Useless and wasted.