Hmm...
Weakness leaving the body? Yeah I can see where that would make sense during a serious workout or something physical. But emotional pain? A broken heart? I dont know... I suppose it's all just how you look at it. The more pain you feel, the stronger you get, so is it really weakness leaving or is it just building your endurance for it? And does that apply to when your emotionally hurt? I've been through several months of a lot of pain, but is the weakness leaving? Am I getting stronger?
I did it again last night. I curled up in a little ball and I started crying for Jordan. Really crying, like gasping sobs and the hysterical works. It's been a good 3 and a half months since he left. I had thought that at this point, I wouldn't be having break downs like this. Apparently I was wrong. It's slightly embarrassing, actually. I feel so weak, so pathetic, not exactly feelings I'm proud to have. I'm sure he doesn't break down like this, and he's the one actually deployed! I don't see other wives ever give any hint of weakness...I feel like the only one who still cries. Sigh. See, It's not as bad as it used to be. I mean, the last time I really cried this bad was a few weeks ago, as opposed to the beginning of the deployment when I would do it every few hours. So, just based off of that, I must be getting some kind of stronger, or building some kind of endurance, right?
I think it's ok for you to feel that way. After all, we're only human- we're not destined to wander around thru life alone or lonely.
ReplyDeleteI will admit that when I was 7 and started to experience living in the dorm, it took me a long time to stop being homesick (it took a few years before they eventually stopped because I got used to it). Did that make me weak cuz I cried every time? No, I think not. Sometimes crying is a good release for our emotions- at some point they get vented up inside us and crying is the only way to get them out because it's so hard to put them into words. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.
I think you're a stronger woman based on what you've been thru the past few months- gaining more independence by getting a job, and other things. Hang in there, the time for Jordan to come home will be here before long and you'll be holding him in your arms, kissing him to welcome him home.