I overwhelm myself sometimes

I tell two people that I'm going to be at both of their parties. Even though their parties are at different times, I'd have to leave work immediately to go to one in order to get to the other.

Hello? Did you forget that you have four animals?

Did you forget that they need to be fed? Medicated? Let out to use the bathroom? When exactly were you planning on doing that?

Did you forget that you have to switch the snake light when it gets dark? Did you forget that the fish need to eat every day?

Why do you do this? You know what will end up happening (because it did) you cancel on one party, and they get upset at you because you already said that you were coming. And you have to leave early the other party and they get upset because you only showed for like 30 minutes. Now both are upset with you.

All because you forgot about your responsibilites at home.

One day I'm going to learn. I may lose some friends in the process (I probably already did), but I'll learn how to balance myself out.

-One of the worst parts about this is that the girl who threw the party I cancelled on, blocked me and the other girl, the birthday girl, defriended me. I can't even apologize to them. It's really all I want to do. I have no excuses. I have no reasons. I fucked up. They deserve apologies, but I can't give them.

Hard to believe

Jordan's coming home. I can't believe that this deployment is almost over, man. I'm gonna be honest, it was a giant pain in the ass.

6 Months

27 weeks

182 days

4,386 minutes

5 Care packages

1 Hurricane

1 Root Canal

8 Jump starts

2 ER trips

3 Holidays

1 Lost ID

1 Flight home

2 Layovers

1 Season of Top Gear

103 Frozen Dinners

4 Sick pets

1 New Cat

3 New Tires

1 Fender Bender

11 Blown lightbulbs

1 Nose ring

27 Letters

280 e-mails

50 Webcam attempts

70 bottles of wine

30 bottles of rum

20 novels read

2 jigsaw puzzles

-9 lbs

…and about 1000 raging hormones later, He's finally coming home

fuck man

You want to know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of society portraying woman as this sleek, thin, skimpy little sack of bones. You want to know something? That's not sexy. That's not hot. I'm tired of the media and the famous people proclaiming about how weight loss is a good thing and that you can't be beautiful until you are a certain size and a certain shape. You want to know something? I'm a size 14. And I love it. When I look into the mirror every day, I see my weight. I see that I'm not what the world would call perfect, but I am me. I have a few curves. I have a good appitite, but I'm happy. I'm not making myself miserable over counting every calorie, but I eat brown rice because it's better for me. I'm not obsessing over exercise and sweating my ass off, but I go for a walk with Lex every day and I go to the gym every now and then.

The idea is to be happy about yourself. And that's not just about weight. You should be happy about your life as well, your children, animals, friends, family, everything around you that is beautiful. Everything around you that makes your life special, that stuff is all so much more important than how much you weigh. How much you weigh doesn't change any of the important stuff.

And if you want to know who I'm talking about specifically, I'm going to tell you.

Ashley, you are the truest person I have ever met and I could never ask for a better friend. You have stood by my side from day one. You are the first person I call in any occasion. I hate when you say that you're fat and you're not pretty, because I don't see fat and ugly when I see you. I see my stunning best friend. I see someone that I love very much and it's not fair that even if I tell you that you're beautiful, you won't listen to me. I see your contageous smile that always makes me smile and the person that I can always count on no matter what.

Victoria, when I first met you, the only thing that went through my head was jealousy. She's prettier than me, she's nicer than me, she has a kid and I don't. She's better than me. And you want to know something that I DIDN'T notice at all? Your fat. You can call me a liar, I don't care, but it's the truth. I know you're not a size 3, but I also know that you are gorgeous. But that's because in my eyes, a woman doesn't have to be a size 3 to be beautiful

My husband needed a pep talk

And so I gave him one. I didn't realize though, that I myself needed a pep talk and writing one for him was the exact kind of encouragment I needed.

Hey you let me tell you something. I don't tell you this alot, because I know it will usually come back and bite me in the ass someday when it gives you the inspiration to do a stupid marine thing that will probably end up with me crying and alone. You are an extremely strong person, Jordan. When you fight for what you want, when you fight for something, you give it everything that you have and will do anything that you can to get it. There are legends about people like you. There are stories of men that have pushed through every obstical and trial and have come out unscathed, in fact, stronger than they were when they began. You have proven yourself by taking every weakness and fighting through it, by ignoring the screaming in your muscles, the stabs of pain in your joints, the cough and burning in your throat and lungs, you have brought yourself through it by seeing only the goal, by seeing the only thing that matters. Pushing your body and your mind to your limit and beyond. I'm saying this as someone who works with marines, who sees hundreds of them every day and listens to them complain and bitch. They aren't made of the same shit you are. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your wife. I will not talk you out of this, not only because I know that you want this, and I want you to be happy, but because I KNOW that you will succeed and I also know that we will not see your true potential until you are tested. That's where you will shine. That is where you will excell. I know you will. I know that you were meant to be a Marine because this is where God has put us. You belong in MARSOC. You know it. I know it. We can both feel it in our guts.

And I want you to know that I'm proud of you for doing this honey. I proud of you for fighting for this. I'm also always here for you. I will always take care of you because I know that you will not take care of yourself. It's my lap you will lay your head in after the hard days of training. It's my hands that will massage your sore muscles. It's my lips that you will kiss goodbye and my waiting arms that you will always return to.

I needed to say this to him. But I also needed to hear it from myself.  I hope that he found it as motivating and encouraging as I found writing it.

Real

I can remember like it was yesterday, the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces as I watched the love of my life get on the bus. I didn't know when I would see him again. I didn't know when I would talk to him again. I didn't know what I would do when I got home. February seemed like lifetimes away.

February starts next week. That's the month that my love is coming home. I can't make that thought be real. I can't face that reality. Even though I know it's happening, I can't "believe" it. Not yet.

Hard night

I had one of "those" nights. When It weighs heavily on me that my husband is a distant, hazy memory and that I still have a few weeks yet before I see him. I know it sounds stupid, after all the months I've been through, a few weeks shouldn't be difficult. But I feel like it might as well be years. Because it's not today.

The Return and Reunion Brief is on the 19th of this month. I have a feeling that it's going to realy help me visualize the end of the deployment. It will help me prepare for his return and remind me about things that I have forgotten. I know it seems lame sometimes to go to R&R briefs, but they really do help. They also get you excited about his homecoming. It feels more real when the Squadron is acually helping you get ready for it, you know?

One Fourth

There is only 25% left of the deployment. I can't even believe it. I am already starting to get so excited about him coming home. I can almost feel him. I'm not even nervous really. I'm ALL excitement and relief and joy. I'm not nervous in the slightest. Everything will be fine. I just need him back home. I need him with me.