Reality Check

I haven't posted in a long time.

In that long time, a lot has happened.

Jordan and I are getting a divorce.

There are a lot of issues that are behind it, and the blame rests in both of our hands, so it isn't a one or the others fault. I just want to say that I really really really don't want to divorce him.

I still love him.

Jordan has been a huge part of my life since I was 16, we've been married for four years. I mean of course there have been moments when I've wanted to strangle him, or simply give up altogether, but my love for him has always been the staple of every situation. It didn't matter that he was an ass. I still loved him.

I never thought of the situation where he would not love me anymore.

But that's what happened.

And he wants to get a divorce. I want him to be happy, and if that's not with me, then I will let him go. But it doesn't stop my heart from feeling like it has been shattered.

Homecomings

Every homecoming is different. And yet with differences, they are all the same. I can say in my own opinion that I feel more love for another person in one homecoming than a lot of people feel their entire lives. It's so much, you just feel like it can't possibly be contained in one person.

weakness

You want to know something? I'm tired of people telling me that I don't know what it feels like. I'm tired of people telling me that I don't understand. They tell me that I'm different. That I'm stronger, that it's different with me because I've been through deployments before. It's easier for me.

Let me tell you that it is not. I am not different. I am not stronger. I am not "used to it" if you can ever get used to watching your husband leave you for another seven months. I have cried my tears. I have screamed his name in the silence of my empty house. I have collapsed with agony at the pain of my broken heart. I have crumbled under the pressure of being alone and having no one to confide in. THAT is not strength, my friends. Strength is NOT lying on the couch with your arms around your chest, begging God to stop the pain of the lonliness.

My strength comes from each day that I survive. Each hour that leads to each day that leads to another week passing. My strength comes from picking myself up off of the ground and going to work. It comes from telling my friends how much I hurt and LETTING THEM IN because they are the only people who can help me. My strength comes from the thought that every moment that passes is one more moment closer to him coming home.

. I know that I can do it because I have before, but that doesn't make it easier. And my strength doesn't come from me. It comes from survival and my friends. The people around me that care about me.

St. Patricks Day

So Jordan's birthday was yesterday and it also happened to be St. Patricks Day. We drove down to Wilmington NC so that we could join in the holiday festivities and, of course, drink. We got a gorgeous hotel room that was walking distance from Front St. and we met up with some friends and drank. I had an awesome time. We walked to get some ice cream and talked the guys out of getting beer tattoos. Then, Jordan and I stumbled into our hotel room. I hope he had a good birthday. I tried to make it good for him. I know how much he likes St. Patricks Day. lol and beer.

Not Great

I talked so much shit about Isaac. I mean, he wasn't nice, he wasn't particularly friendly at all, so I talked shit about him. He wasn't my favorite animal. I never really realized how much I really cared about him until yesterday when the vet suggested we put him down. My heart constricted. I felt like I had no breath. We couldn't lose Isaac. He was Isaac. He's a staple in this family. He's always been the angry bunny in the background. We've had him for four years now.

But the infection in his ears had spread to his brain. He was showing really severe neurological problems. Even if the vet managed to help the infection, the damage would be too much for him to make a complete recovery. He might not be able to walk, he would probably have had seizures. He would have been in constant discomfort. We had to make that decision.

Holding him in that exam room, just petting him, talking to him, singing to him, knowing that those were our last moments with him...there are no words to describe that sadness. You can't explain to him what's going to happen. You can't explain why Mommy and Daddy are so sad or why he is getting so sleepy. You can't explain to him that he was the best rabbit anyone could ask for. You can't explain how much we loved him.

I realized last night that Isaac was not just a rabbit. He was not just the bunny in the cage. He was our Isaac. I know that he's happy now. I know he's prancing and dancing around with Ninja and in a big grassy field. He's not falling over or having trouble walking. He's not in pain or any discomfort. He's happy again.

Trouble in Paradise

Yeah, well, this certainly hasn't been the easiest homecoming. I'm just having a lot of trouble adjusting to  spending time with him. I mean, I work, and he goes out with his friends, it's just frustrating. I feel like he doesn't even want to spend time with me. He's only been home a week. I just get the vibe that he's already getting sick of me and that really hurts. I always want to spend time with him. Maybe I am smothering, but I haven't seen him in six months!!! I just want to be with him again.

I just need to understand that he needs his space and I shouldn't take it as personally as I am. But I'm a huge baby. I need to be more flexible and less sensitive.

Valentines Day

I love Valentines day. Even though my Valentine isn't here, I'm just a big fan of any holiday that celebrates love.

I'm getting very excited. As the date gets closer and closer, my heart gets more and more anxious for him to be home.